When I was little, my mom and I used to go on walks together every afternoon. She always held my hand, always pointed out birds and flowers, always made the world feel warm and soft. I remember her laughing at the simplest things and telling me how beautiful the sky looked, even on days when it was gray.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But every time we got home, she would go straight to the bathroom and close the door. I could hear the water run, like she was washing her face, but sometimes I also heard her crying. I would knock and she\u2019d tell me, \u201cMommy\u2019s fine,\u201d in that voice adults use when they don\u2019t want kids to worry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For years, I never questioned it. Kids believe their parents automatically. If she said she was okay, she must have been.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She died three years ago. And it wasn\u2019t until recently that I finally understood what those moments meant. She wasn\u2019t crying because of me. She wasn\u2019t crying because anything bad happened on our walks. She cried because those walks were the only moments she felt peaceful, before going back to whatever pain she was carrying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She was choosing every single day. Choosing to smile for me when she didn\u2019t feel like smiling. Choosing to create joy for me when she didn\u2019t feel any herself. Choosing to be strong when she was tired and hurting. Those tears weren\u2019t weakness \u2014 they were the weight of love and exhaustion she never let me see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Back then, I thought she cried after our walks. Now I realize she cried for them \u2014 because they were the one part of her day when she could breathe, when things felt right, when life wasn\u2019t heavy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And if I could knock on that door again, I wouldn\u2019t ask if she was okay. I\u2019d tell her she didn\u2019t have to pretend, that being my mom was enough, that she was enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hope she knew that, even then. And sometimes when I walk alone now, I think maybe she did \u2014 and maybe she\u2019s still walking with me somehow.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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