I had fallen asleep on the couch again, which had been happening more often lately in ways I had not examined closely. Ethan was in Las Vegas for a work conference, the third in six months, and without him the house settled into a particular kind of stillness that I told myself I would miss when he got back. I was already composing the small domestic pleasures of reunion in my half-dreaming mind: coffee made for two, the sound of his key in the lock, the ordinary architecture of a life that seemed, from the inside, solid.I was thirty-four. I had been married for six years to a man I had met at a networking event when I was twenty-seven and he was the kind of person who knew everyone in the room and seemed to find this natural. I worked in project management for a regional construction firm, a job that required a specific temperament: methodical, unflappable, comfortable in the gap between what a plan says will happen and what actually happens. I was good at it. I was good at most things that required tracking multiple variables and adjusting without panic when one of them changed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The marriage had been another project of sorts. Not in a cold way, or at least that was not how I had meant it. I had meant it in the way that any long-term commitment requires maintenance: you check in, you repair what frays, you update the plan when the conditions change. I had been the one doing most of that maintenance. I had understood this on some level without examining it directly, the way you understand that a hinge in your house is slightly loose without marking it as a problem that needs solving today.Ethan was charming and sociable and had a talent for making any situation feel festive. He was also, I would come to understand, a man who experienced effort primarily as something other people provided.My phone vibrated on the cushion beside my face.I assumed it was Ethan. He had been texting sporadically from the trip, conference updates, a photo of a hotel buffet, the kind of communication that meant nothing except that he was thinking of me, which I had taken as a sign of a marriage in reasonable working order.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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