Dear Wife,

I’m leaving you for good. After 7 years of marriage, I’ve had enough. These past two weeks have been unbearable. Finding out you quit your job was the last straw.

Last week, you didn’t even notice my new haircut, favorite meal I cooked, or the new silk boxers I wore. You ate quickly and then went straight to bed, avoiding any connection. You don’t show affection anymore—no love, no intimacy. I can’t handle it.

I’m done. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia. Have a nice life.

Your EX-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband,

Your letter made my day. Yes, we’ve been married 7 years, but “good man” isn’t how I’d describe you. I watch TV to drown out your complaints. I noticed your haircut but thought you looked like a girl, so I kept quiet. You cooked a meal I don’t eat anymore, and those boxers? I saw the $49.99 tag.

I quit my job because I won $10 million and bought us Jamaica tickets, but you left first. Now, I’m free and rich. Oh, and my sister was once Carl—hope that’s not an issue!

Your Ex-Wife